How to sidestep requests for your emotional labor
5 responses that will make you not the only one who can find things
Today’s post is about avoiding requests for our mental energy, but it’s really about a larger issue: recognizing and relieving women of automatic responsibility. The term emotional labor has only been a part of modern discourse for about a decade. Before that, did we even see that we did it? Now that we see it, we can share and sidestep it.
In recovery literature we’re told not to do for others what they can do for themselves. This is called enabling, and it keeps people from being accountable. Though this advice usually applies to heavier situations, doing others’ mental work for them still encourages an unhealthy dynamic. These little requests add up, and one by one, they zap our mental energy. Husbands are not the only offenders. Children do it too. Of course, they’re innocent until 18. Still, deflecting their cognitive requests teaches them to problem solve and become self sufficient. This is why I use kind wording. Remember learning about positive reinforcement? Even when we respond with frustration, it reinforces the behavior. Deflecting mental labor becomes habit, and our automatic response will be the same kind reply to our children and our partners.
Where is it honey?
This is probably the most well known request for your mental labor. Women are stereotyped as being the only one in the household who can find anything. Sometimes, your family member may really need your help finding something. But they should look for it before they bug you. This is why we echo their request with something like:
Where do you think it might be?
Where could that be?
If you can, casually leave the room. The search for the widget can go on without you. Sit on the toilet and read my Substack until you feel safe from petty demands on your mental energy. If you can’t easily leave, their response will show whether they’ve looked. Do not look for them. Deflect with a phrase like:
That’s a good place to look.
Notice that this isn’t a follow up question.
If you have the classic problem of being the only person who can see things even when others have already looked there, then set limits, make a deal or disengage.
I will look after you spend 5 full minutes looking.
I’ll look if you do dinner clean up.
It must be really well hidden. I hope you find it soon!
If you make a deal, choose something that is sweeter for you. Either they’ll agree to it or carry on without you.
In time, your empowering responses will make these questions mostly disappear, or only come up after real looking has taken place. Tired of your delayed help, people all around you will find things without you knowing they were looking.
Sample conversation:
Him: What should I put this in?
Her: What do we put leftovers in? (echo)
Him: I don’t know. Tupperware?
Her: That’s a good idea. (deflect)
Him: Where do we keep that?
Her: Where do you think it might be? (echo)
Him: In the cupboard?
Her: That’s a good place to look. ::Leaves room:: (deflect, depart)
Him: ::follows:: Honey, I can’t find the right Tupperware.
Her: I’ll look for you if you’ll load the dishwasher. (make a deal)
Him: No way. It’s just one Tupperware.
Her: I bet you’ll find a good solution. (disengage)
This week I’m battling spurge exposure. Spurge is a common weed with a toxic milky, white sap. I pulled some and got the sap on my wrist and transferred it to my other arm. The reaction is worse than poison ivy! It looks and sounds like some medieval affliction and nothing seems to help. I probably need some kind of long forgotten poultice.
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In the Housekeeping section I talk about seeking old lady stories and role models. In My writing story, I share how I went from scrawling thoughts in a tiny notebook to writing a book. Family search details our record search for my great-great Grandma Sophie who hid in a Zagreb convent. I end each newsletter with bullet point:
observations about life
things that make it easier for my ‘spicy ways
a simple act of resistance
Personal Corner switches between paid and free, depending on my shyness. This week, I share about a comic I drew.
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Photo of common spurge so you can avoid it like the plague:
I love this SO MUCH. I could have used this a couple decades ago - as with so many of your tips! - but the joy of reading this now lies in the time & distance that allow me to laugh aloud …