For Argument's Sake

Two writers examine the make up of an altercation

One of Diana’s first small abstract paintings.

This newsletter is a collaboration between Deanne Duncombe of The Being Space and Diana Kohne of Sensory Housekeeping. Although we live in Australia and the US, we connected in a writing group and discovered that we both focus on the small details that shape our lives. We teamed up for this week’s newsletter.

Deanne

Deanne Duncombe: A fun fact about humans is that we are quick to make up stories about other people’s intentions. Something is said and, before we realise it, we’ve filled in the gaps with our own interpretation of the person, the situation, what the person meant and what it means for us. We don’t always notice we’re doing it, yet we take that story as the truth. This affects how we respond.
When I see myself about to react from my own stories, I try to pause and notice what my body is doing. I allow myself to take a breath and I ask myself how the other person might be feeling. Where might they be coming from? What am I telling myself about the situation? What moods and emotions are present for me? Then I do my best to park my opinions and stories, and shift from my assumed certainty to curiosity.
Since curiosity and questions go hand in hand, I try to achieve curiosity by turning my thoughts into a question. So, rather than an aggressive “How dare you agree to a deadline if you knew you couldn’t make it?” approach, I aim for a gentle “What would help get this done?” seek-to-understand approach.
As I become more curious, I feel myself becoming less wedded to my stories and opinions. I shift to understanding how I am interpreting the situation and noticing the impact that might have on my interaction with the other person.
From here, I can steer the conversation towards something useful, rather than something it didn’t need to become. It’s a small shift, but it seems to help.

Diana

Diana Kohne: When my child was nine months old, I took an after school teaching job. I brought my baby to the meet and greet before classes started, and my boss frowned on this. During class, someone would watch me teach, giving me pointers as I gave my lessons. Things like, not to talk so long, which was difficult to adjust on the fly, especially when the lessons were about printmaking. I began to feel like I was constantly failing.

Before each class, my boss would bring me a bucket of water so that I could set up the paper soaking stations before class. One time, class was about to start, and she had not brought the water. I approached her, interrupting a pleasant conversation she had been having, and hemorrhaged my worry about the bucket not being there yet. There was no real countdown, but I felt one. It was an overreaction, compounded by my anxiety about my work performance, and the stress of being a new mom. It was all in the sound of my voice. My boss’s demeanor changed completely. She got the bucket, but she was not happy, and she treated me differently for the rest of my time teaching there. All interactions were tense. I had become an enemy. Here’s something funny though; the woman who was chatting with my boss was totally unfazed by my frantic bucket request. Some people see the worry where some people see accusation, rudeness, or being unreasonable. Now, I know to approach issues before I get upset. A simple, “Oh hi, can you tell me where the bucket is?” before I started to get anxious would have worked out a lot better. But, I also have to forgive myself for my past communication mistakes. I’m only human.